My Challenge Starts in 3 Days!!

So I'm preparing for a month without tv.  Ok, 2 hours of tv per week for about 4 weeks.  Yesterday I "prepared" by getting in as much tv as possible.  And a movie.

...there was no time for dishes or dog-walking - I was one with the couch!

And then I couldn't sleep.  Our movie of choice ended at about 11pm.  I fell asleep for a little while, only to wake up at 3am.  I laid there for what seemed to be FOREVER.  In reality, it was only about an hour.  I couldn't get comfortable.  Right side, left side, back, stomach...too hot, too cold.  ugh.  I took my pillow to the couch and curled up under Haley's zebra-striped blanket and listened to my dog, Charlie, snore.  I finally fell asleep, only to be woken up by the sun in my eyes and my alarm coming from somewhere in the couch.  The start of another day.

After taking the pups out, a cup of coffee, and a long shower, I resolved that I would survive work.  So far, so good (I'm on my lunch break).  And I won't have much time, if any, to sit in front of the tv tonight because we have dinner plans.  So I guess that'll be helpful in my crazy transition from zombie-tv-binger to...whatever I am at the end of August! 

It's Been a While!

The last time I sat down to write a post for this blog was over two years go.  So much has happened in that time.  I met a guy after my divorce with whom I was in a polyamorous relationship.  He taught me a lot about myself and relationships.  He helped me be comfortable with my sexuality, which I experimented with as well as labels, including bisexual, pansexual, gay.  So, obviously, I am not in a sexual or romantic relationship with him anymore, but he was the one who introduced me to my beautiful wife.  There will be plenty of writing about all aspects of my life, I'm sure, but that's not why I'm writing tonight.

Recently, I've been examining my life, thinking about all the things I want to do but don't do or haven't done.  Things like crochet (I'm working on a huge blanket), take the dogs on a walk for some exercise and time in the sun, read my vast collection of books, and actually keep my kitchen clean and floors vacuumed.  But there's a problem: I always make the same excuses.  "There's no time!"  "I'm so exhausted..."

Where does all my time go?  Why am I so tired all the time?  I'll tell you.  I spend an enormous amount of time on the couch or surfing the internet.  I have cable, Netflix, high speed wireless internet, a smart phone - and as soon as I'm home from work, it's like I'm glued to the tv and facebook...at the same time!  Then I don't want to make dinner so we eat unhealthy, "convenient" food.  I don't want to take the dogs out because my gut is full of gross, heavy dinner.  Bed time comes around and I can't sleep because I haven't done anything all evening, physically or mentally.

So I am embarking on a 31-day personal challenge.  I'm reducing my tv-watching to two hours a week to watch my favorite shows: Longmire and Tiny House Nation.  Also, I'm only going to use my phone for communication, checking my work schedule, getting directions, etc - not to be on facebook or play games.

Start date: August 1
End date: August 31

This gives me a couple days to prepare myself.  Because this is going to be a big change for me.

...I say as I'm watching my fourth hour of tv tonight.  

Tears

When was the last time you cried?  Do you remember what it feels like to sink to the floor, bury your head in your hands, and mourn from somewhere deep inside?  ....Have you ever felt that way?

I have.  Recently.  I used to cry all the time - like once a week, at least.  Seriously.  I just knew that it was an emotional release that I needed.  Sometimes I would cry for 30 seconds, other times for upwards of 30 minutes or more.  Not all my tears were from sadness or loss - some were happy tears, some were angry tears.

I cried on Wednesday for the first time in months.  MONTHS.  Why?  Not because I'm 23 and divorced.  Not because I regret anything.  Not even because I lost love.  I cried because I hurt someone I care about - someone who knew me in and out, backwards and forwards.  Someone who could finish my sentences and make me laugh even when I didn't really feel like it.  Someone who loved me and whom I loved back.  That "Someone" was my best friend in the world.

I don't know why things don't work out the way we want them to or the way we think they should.  I don't know why two people can be so tangled up in each other only for them to not be together in the end.  I don't know why things happen the way they do.  I don't know.

I do know that I have grown through this whole mess.  I've learned so much about me: who I am, who I want to be - and not being ashamed about it.  And although I've severed some of the most important relationships I've ever had, I've come to realize that just because they're not in my life anymore doesn't mean I can't continue to love them.  He still has a special place in my heart.  I still think about him.  I still talk about him.  I still have things that remind me of him in my home.  I still have a picture of us on my wall.  Why?  Because I love him.  Because I choose to remember what we had and what it meant.  Because I can't just erase him from my life.  Honestly, I don't want to.

Again, I don't know why things happen the way they do, but I do know that sometimes a mess can turn out to be a beautiful thing and leave beautiful scars.

So, I cried.  First, tears of sorrow that came with loud, uncontrollable sobs.  I wept.  I mourned the loss of my best friend.  Then the tears changed and I cried happy tears - tears that said, "I'm so thankful to have had him in my life at all - I am forever blessed and changed because of him."