Friday, March 30, 2012


When was the last time you cried?  Do you remember what it feels like to sink to the floor, bury your head in your hands, and mourn from somewhere deep inside?  ....Have you ever felt that way?

I have.  Recently.  I used to cry all the time - like once a week, at least.  Seriously.  I just knew that it was an emotional release that I needed.  Sometimes I would cry for 30 seconds, other times for upwards of 30 minutes or more.  Not all my tears were from sadness or loss - some were happy tears, some were angry tears.

I cried on Wednesday for the first time in months.  MONTHS.  Why?  Not because I'm 23 and divorced.  Not because I regret anything.  Not even because I lost love.  I cried because I hurt someone I care about - someone who knew me in and out, backwards and forwards.  Someone who could finish my sentences and make me laugh even when I didn't really feel like it.  Someone who loved me and whom I loved back.  That "Someone" was my best friend in the world.

I don't know why things don't work out the way we want them to or the way we think they should.  I don't know why two people can be so tangled up in each other only for them to not be together in the end.  I don't know why things happen the way they do.  I don't know.

I do know that I have grown through this whole mess.  I've learned so much about me: who I am, who I want to be - and not being ashamed about it.  And although I've severed some of the most important relationships I've ever had, I've come to realize that just because they're not in my life anymore doesn't mean I can't continue to love them.  He still has a special place in my heart.  I still think about him.  I still talk about him.  I still have things that remind me of him in my home.  I still have a picture of us on my wall.  Why?  Because I love him.  Because I choose to remember what we had and what it meant.  Because I can't just erase him from my life.  Honestly, I don't want to.

Again, I don't know why things happen the way they do, but I do know that sometimes a mess can turn out to be a beautiful thing and leave beautiful scars.

So, I cried.  First, tears of sorrow that came with loud, uncontrollable sobs.  I wept.  I mourned the loss of my best friend.  Then the tears changed and I cried happy tears - tears that said, "I'm so thankful to have had him in my life at all - I am forever blessed and changed because of him."